The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Grade: C-
One-Liner: If only the journey had ended three movies ago.

Much like The Hobbit, I start this review with a lot of unnecessary explanation. It should be noted that I am not a fan of Peter Jackson, any Baggins, or the Lord of the Rings. I don't get why lazy, food-obsessed creatures with large hairy feet are continually picked for Middle Earth's most perilous adventures. It's like sending Homer Simpson to take down Bin Laden.

That being said, I felt it was my duty as a wife to watch all of these painstakingly lengthy films in an effort to better connect with my husband. Looking back, I can't say it was worth it.

The third and final (thank Jesus) installment of this massive franchise proved equally lackluster in comparison to the other Hobbits, but this one had significantly more fighting so it wasn't as easy for me to fall asleep. Naturally, the most crafty villain — evil dragon Smaug (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, who was clearly too good an actor to actually appear in this movie) — was killed in the first 30 minutes leaving me without anyone to root for.

So began the battle for the dragon's cursed treasures between the Elves, Dwarves, humans, and Orcs. As far as villains go, Orcs are pretty dull. They aren't particularly intelligent nor do they have a greater purpose other than domination and power. They are the Ogres of their community (sorry, Shrek) and make for relatively boring fight scenes and dialogue.

Add in the hordes of pig-headed, long-haired soldiers — who should have seriously considered hair ties before brandishing weapons — and you have a major build up to a battle that no one should really care about. They're all essentially fighting for access to a mountain of cursed treasure that will make them go mad. The only person worthy of our attention is Bilbo, who gets seriously limited screentime in this film and doesn't have the hilarious Gollum to play off of.

In the end, all was resolved in a 45-minute, needless wrap up, and I left with the relief of knowing that I'll never have to see another platinum blonde man leading an army of mindless followers again — unless Justin Bieber makes another movie.